


From the (Very Private) Notebook of...

by Shayheyred



Category: Death Note
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-31
Updated: 2011-05-31
Packaged: 2017-10-19 23:30:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/206390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shayheyred/pseuds/Shayheyred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Probability that L is a dork: 100%</p>
            </blockquote>





	From the (Very Private) Notebook of...

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Textbook Example](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/3613) by Wicked_Pistil. 



> The "Looks like somebody cut Health Class one too many times" Remix of Wicked Pistil's _Textbook Example_. For Remix Redux.

  


** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Kira Investigation Day 83

Food consumed:  
1)ice cream sundae  
2)ham & cheese sandwich  
3)2 orders gyoza  
4)edamame  
5)cake (chocolate)  
6)pie (banana crème) (3 slices)  
7)dish red bean ice cream  
8)French fries  
9)coffee, 5 cups

Surveillance continues of subjects.  
No suspicious activity on part of subjects MA or YL  
Time watching tapes: 17hrs 43 min 22 sec

TO DO:  
1)Rewatch tape 4508A–F re: Penber murder  
2)Contact Watari re: contingency plan B  
3)Try new kind of pie

NOTE: Light wears the nicest pants.

* * *

  


** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Kira Investigation Day 90

Food consumed:  
grilled cheese sandwich  
ramen  
2 orders gyoza  
fruit cocktail  
cake (yellow, with chocolate frosting)  
pie (coconut crème)  
dish green tea ice cream  
French fries  
coffee, 5 cups

Surveillance continues of subjects.  
No suspicious activity on part of subjects MA, YL  
Time watching tape: 18 hrs. 06 min 02 sec

TO DO:  
Ask Matsuda to make sure pie is fresh next time (meringue a bit dry today)

NOTE: Does Light wear briefs, boxers or bikinis?

* * *

  


** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Kira Investigation Day 94

Food consumed: 1 box Green & Black chocolates, hot cocoa (2 cups), pocky, sashimi (2 orders), pie (key lime, v.v. tasty – m. remember to order again), cupcakes, French fries, coffee (8 cups)

No suspicious activity on part of subjects MA, YL  
Time watching tape: 21 hrs. 56 min 04 sec

TO DO:  
Limit observations to subject YL as he is more interesting of the two  
Probability Light is Kira - 55%

NOTE:  
Efforts to catch Light on tape revealing underwear have proved unsuccessful.  
Must investigate as I am sure I'm on to something.

Probability boxers - 12%  
boxer briefs - 30%  
tighty whities - 45%  
thong - 10%

Statistical variance +-3%

* * *

** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Kira Investigation Day 96

Food consumed: Strawberry shortcake (w/o strawberries), turkey noodle soup (w/crackers), mint chocolate chip ice cream w/butterscotch sauce, German sausage, key lime pie (meh, not as good this time), 1 dozen donuts (the kind with the little sprinkles – I love that!), French fries, coffee (8-9 cups, I forget)

Personal observation time of subject YL 23:01  
YL irked by "infringement of privacy" but settled down quickly in shared room

TO DO:  
Send Matsuda to Library re: "Forms of Human Sexuality," Kinsey Institute Press

NOTE: Need more coffee. Have to find a way to remain awake that last hour, because apparently Light waits till I'm asleep to get dressed. Sneaky. 62%

Had peculiar dream about Bullet Train squeezing into a too-tight tunnel. V.v. weird.

Really, really want to know nature of Light's underwear.  
_Really._

* * *

** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Kira Investigation Day 100

Food consumed: asparagus, Twinkies (8), cheese straws, celery sticks, carrot, popsicle (orange), foot-long hot dog, French fries, coffee (8 cups).

Had craving for bananas. Weird.

Add cameras in hotel bathroom. YL sneaked off to change there, damn him.  
Percentage 72%

TO DO:  
Send Matsuda for "Common and Uncommon Sexual Behavior," "Kama Sutra," "Sexual Interactions."

* * *

** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Kira Investigation Day 101

Food consumed: coffee (16? cups) MUST STAY AWAKE!

Unfortunate side effect of cofffeee - Had to urinate repeatedly, thus missing the exact moment of Light changing into pajamas, damn it.

Question: If Light is a normal college student, why is he constantly covering his body? Would Kira be that shy? Maybe Light is deformed?  
Extra buttock?  
No genitals?

Speculation: Kira would not be shy, though Light may have deformity. Must investigate further.

YL = Kira, percentage 41%. Likelihood of deformity = 43%

NOTE: Matsuda agreed to library, but refuses to go to adult book store. Have tried bribing with money to no avail.

TO DO:  
Try offering Matsuda Misa-Misa porn manip.

* * *

** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Kira Investigation Day 101

Forget previous entry. Caught glimpse of naked YL emerging from shower. Buttocks not deformed.

Buttocks nice.

L = Kira Percentage 65%

Light's buttocks approx. 12% rounder than mine.

NOTE: Misa-Misa porn was successful as bribe.  
Have learned a great deal from new books, particularly "Hot Sex," by Tracey Cox.

Also? The mangaka of "Hentai!" is one heck of a writer.

* * *

** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Day 104

Where is Matsuda with those DVDs I ordered? I don't care how embarrassed he is –  
_I want to see "Frat House Fondlers 3!"_ Will replace him on team if necessary, dammit.

Craving Polish sausage. Have no idea why.

Ordered ButtMaster from Gay Caballero Products catalogue

* * *

** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Day...who the fuck cares??!

Cannot stand it. **_Must see ~~LIGHT NAKED AGAIN~~ underwear!_**

* * *

** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Day 123

Have decided to add human factor to advance investigation into subject YL's underwear  
~~and the apparently large polish sausage he carries around with him in his pants ha ha ha ha ha ha~~

Will make the sacrifice of using myself as catalyst to advance investigation as I don't think Matsuda is up to it

* * *

** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Day 124

Setback: When I called Watari for information on facilitating interaction with subject YL as pertaining to nakedness and subsequent activity, he was not forthcoming with information. Instead, mumbled something about "birds and bees and sometimes boy bees like other boy bees."

Do not understand his meaning.

* * *

** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Day ?

Have decided to proceed with experiment even without adequate preparation.

NOTE: Must rewatch "Frat House Fondlers 3" before instituting experiment.

Food: Polish sausage. Oysters, 1 doz. Also éclairs. Am surprisingly fond of creamy filling.

* * *

**_**L…..L….LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAWRENCE? LEONARD? LOUIE? LEE? LEMUEL?** _ **

****__**WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS NAME? NOT JAPANESE – WHERE THE HELL IS HE FROM, ANYWAY? DOESN'T MATTER.  
** **I HAVE TO KILL HIM NOW!**  
**IF FUCKING RYUK WON'T TELL ME L's REAL NAME, I'M READY TO WRITE MY OWN FUCKING NAME IN THIS FUCKING NOTEBOOK IF IT MEANS GETTING AWAY FROM FUCKING L ! ! ! ! !111!**

**_SHIT!_ **

_ **I CAN'T STAND THIS ANY MORE! IF HE SITS THAT CLOSE TO ME AGAIN, PERVING ON ME, WITH ALL THAT HEAVY BREATHING I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS!!!** _

**_**PLUS HE'S BEEN EATING ALL THIS POLISH SAUSAGE LATELY AND HE HAS GARLIC BREATH**_ **

**_I'LL KILL HIM, I SWEAR, EVEN IF I HAVE TO DO IT BY BASHING HIS HEAD IN WITH ONE OF HIS FUCKING MINI-CAMERAS THAT HE DOESN'T THINK I KNOW ARE IN THE BATHROOM! THAT'D SERVE HIM RIGHT._ **

**_**WAIT–**_  
** _**THEN THEY'LL ARREST ME AND I'LL GO TO JAIL**_  
**THAT WOULD BE FUCKING IRONIC**  


  
**_**LUIGI?**_  
**   
_**LUKE? LAMONT?**_  
**LARS? LAWFORD? LASALLE?**  
**LUDOVIC? LAREDO? LANGFORD? LAFAYETTE? LABAN?**  
**LALO? LESTER? LINDSEY? LAZARUS? LANCE? LAMARR? LANCELOT? LAVONN? LASHAWN? LATIEF? LAVERNE? LANSING? LAERTES? LANE? LANZO? LAMBERT? LACHLAN?LADISLAS?LEO?LADD?LAIRD?LAKE?!LUCKY????????** **LALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA**

_** JUST FUCKING SHOOT ME NOW ** _

* * *

  


** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Day 128

He doesn't wear underwear.

AT ALL

98%

* * *

** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Day 129

Also? It's not a sausage.

* * *

** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Day 130

Damn.

He's HUGE.

* * *

_**THE FUCKER _TOUCHED_ ME!!!!  
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE** _

* * *

_**HE TOUCHED ME AGAIN--  
REPEATEDLY** _

* * *

**_ OKAY, MAYBE IT'S NOT SO BAD _ **  


* * *

** L - PERSONAL LOG **

  
Day 134

Must begin new investigation into why my ass hurts.  


* * *


End file.
